Who is allergic to lettuce?

By a show of hands, how many of you are allergic to lettuce?

No one.  Absolutely no one is allergic to lettuce except, apparently, me. 

I went to my doctor today to review the results of some tests I took a few weeks ago, including a blood draw to check for food allergies.  The results are in; I am allergic to:

almonds, asparagus, bananas, basil, blueberries, carrots, cashews, cauliflower, cheese, coffee, cucumbers, eggs, ginger, grapes, lemons, lettuce, milk, peas, peanuts, pineapple, potatoes, shrimp, soybeans, squash, tomatoes, wheat, yeast, and yogurt,

My doctor recommends eliminating all these foods for three months.  THREE MONTHS!  That is over ninety days without spaghetti.

I am a fairly disciplined person.  I exercise five days a week.  I try not to overeat.  I don’t gamble (not even the lottery).  I eat my fruits and veggies.  When I find an amazing pair of shoes I simply can’t live without, I wait until they go on sale.  I rarely drink (seriously, hardly ever).  I don’t kick the dog or pick fights with my husband.  There are days when my children are incredibly frustrating, but I don’t go around comparing them to crash-test dummies, at least not out loud.  This alone illustrates amazing constraint and unprecedented self-control.

All of this goes to prove my strength of character and demonstrates my exceptional personal discipline.  However, when my doctor suggested I go three months without bread and recommended I never drink coffee again, I went out of my ever-lovin’ mind.  I barely made it to my car before I screamed, “Take the bread, the pizza, the French fries with ketchup.  Take the ice cream, and cashews, and ooey,  gooey melted cheese.  But not the frickin’ coffee!  Noooooooo, don’t take my COFFEE!”


8 thoughts on “Who is allergic to lettuce?

  1. Dorothy Judd says:

    My deepest sympathies! I’m with you on that one.

  2. neighbor says:

    That’s one crazy doctor. He needs a double espresso, stat!

  3. I agree that coffee is the saddest thing to see go. But just eliminating all bread will go a long way …

  4. […]  For an explanation regarding my abrupt coffee withdrawal, see my post:   https://storiesformymom.wordpress.com/2012/09/10/who-is-allergic-to-lettuce/  […]

  5. […] Many of you have been diligently following my attempts to go cold-turkey on coffee.  This decision was based on my doctor declaring, via a blood test, that I am allergic to my morning beverage of choice (see my post:  https://storiesformymom.wordpress.com/2012/09/10/who-is-allergic-to-lettuce/ ) […]

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