I am a woman who chills easily. I have been known to break out flannel pajamas in August, wear long underwear under my jeans in winter, and keep a heating pad tucked under my pillow, just in case. My first husband once told me that my worst character trait was my insistence on placing my cold feet under his thighs at night. I believe there were moments when I approached his toasty zone with my icicle toes that he seriously contemplated divorce.
I am forty-three years old, and as I age, my body’s ability to maintain its own warmth is getting worse by the minute. I do, however, have a theory. I blame my frigid nature on my overuse and abuse of my automobile’s butt heater.
I first purchased a car with a built-in seat heater in 2004. Since then, there is rarely a day that goes by without my backside enjoying the soothing warmth of modern automotive technology. It is my hypothesis that the constant use of this device has broken my internal thermostat, and now I am no longer able to maintain reasonable body heat. What I need is a scientist to study the effects of butt heaters on body temperature regulation. When you have enough evidence to sue the inventor of the automotive seat heater, I want my fair cut. I need the money to purchase hot water bottles, thermal underwear, and a sauna.