fool-proof plan to reduce gun violence

In the wake of president Obama’s new gun control proposals, the National Rifle Association has released an ad making suggestions of their own.  Their pitch is to put armed security guards in schools.  To the NRA president, David Keene, I say, “What is the matter with you?”

By a show of hands, how many parents want their kindergartener policed at recess by an armed guard with four days of training making minimum wage?  Plus, you and I both know that the first person to apply for that job is going to be your crazy Uncle Willy, who has built a bunker beneath his house, has a twelve-year supply of venison jerky, and collects rain water in rusty barrels, but I am sure he REALLY LIKES kids.

David Keene’s NRA argues that if armed guards are good for Obama’s kids, then they are good for all kids.  The difference is that the president’s children need armed guards because every crazy person across the globe knows exactly what they look like, where they go to school, and what house they live in.  Al Qaeda doesn’t even know what color hair my kids have.

I propose that we let the NRA have all the guns they want.  Sell them out of vending machines to every convicted felon, grade school student, and mall cop in the country.  But, from this point forward each bullet will cost $8,372.  Plus, when you purchase a bullet, your finger print will be lasered into the casing and a small drop of your DNA will be housed in a tiny chamber off the back, like a little bullet fanny-pack.

Then, I suggests we hire the kingpins of the Crips, Bloods, Latin Kings, Russian Mafia, and a few crazy Ukrainians.  We pay these men ridiculous sums for every black market bullet they remove from circulation.  Plus, we give your crazy Uncle Willy a job guarding the gang leaders.

It is a practically fool-proof plan to reduce gun violence.  Congress should approve this immediately!


6 thoughts on “fool-proof plan to reduce gun violence

  1. Caryn says:

    Great post! Yes, stupid to compare the Obama children’s security needs to other kids, I agree. I understand that the idea of people with guns at school is very disconcerting (less so if the school districts are smart enough to not hire mall cops though). Doing things like reducing the legal number of rounds that can be in a semi-automatic pistol magazine to 10 or less might make people feel good (much like recycling that ends up in the land fill anyway), but is there any doubt in our minds that the Stony Brook shooter, who had the children cornered in a room, would have killed the same number with instead several loaded revolvers (5-6 rounds) or maybe just 10 round magazines, and maybe even some knives or baseball bats or whatever, before police were able to arrive? Let’s say we ban all semi-automatic pistols…he still would have had time to fast re-load the revolvers for another round of shots because no one could do anything to stop him but cower in the blood and debris. My point is that by the time the police get there, police officers I know tell me, its too late. I am not saying the answer is necessarily armed guards in schools…maybe that’s part of the answer, maybe not, but the problem with all these shootings that have happened is largely failures in our mental health system, and part of that is the a need for heightened screening of individuals purchasing guns who have a history of mental illness. The NRA, I understand, is actually for that. Stupid commercials aside (and Obama’s use of the kids in his was pathetic, as it is when any politicians use them), there is no doubt in my mind that while most people are asking question with no easy or clear answers as to how we keep children safe in schools, there are also people whose agenda is to little by little rid the constitution of the 2nd amendment, and sadly the relative lack of focus on the mental health angle of this situation and the heavier focus on chipping-away at legal magazine capacities, in my opinion, doesn’t do much if anything to solve the problem. As usual, its all about politics, control, and money. Disgusting.

    • I am in favor of talking a long look at the second amendment. Should owning a gun really be a right? Perhaps owning a gun should be a privilege, like driving a car. Before getting a driver’s license, you have to take classes and pass tests. Why not apply the same logic to gun ownership? That aside, I am with you on the mental health issues in our country.

  2. Alex Lytle says:

    Wow, I never thought of making the bullets expensive! Brilliant. I totally agree. And..if someone should find bullets on the ground, they could sell them for a pretty penny. Or turn them in if they were upstanding citizens.

  3. Caryn says:

    I think its one thing to expand our constitutional rights, like giving all adult citizens the vote, but that its a very slippery slope to start to degrade our rights. What’s next? Protection form unreasonable search and seizure? Freedom of speech? Take your pick…there will always be a next one they go for…that’s precisely why the founding fathers wrote it the way they did…because they were very learned men who studied the history of the world and understood what real freedom was. Do we not have a right to protect ourselves and our families by any means? I certainly want that. Or do we wait for “help”, which always comes too late to be of any help? With freedom comes responsibility. With responsibility comes risk.

    “I prefer dangerous freedom over peaceful slavery.”
    – Thomas Jefferson

    “A free people ought not only to be armed and disciplined, but they should have sufficient arms and ammunition to maintain a status of independence from any who might attempt to abuse them, which would include their own government.”
    – George Washington

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