In the wake of president Obama’s new gun control proposals, the National Rifle Association has released an ad making suggestions of their own. Their pitch is to put armed security guards in schools. To the NRA president, David Keene, I say, “What is the matter with you?”
By a show of hands, how many parents want their kindergartener policed at recess by an armed guard with four days of training making minimum wage? Plus, you and I both know that the first person to apply for that job is going to be your crazy Uncle Willy, who has built a bunker beneath his house, has a twelve-year supply of venison jerky, and collects rain water in rusty barrels, but I am sure he REALLY LIKES kids.
David Keene’s NRA argues that if armed guards are good for Obama’s kids, then they are good for all kids. The difference is that the president’s children need armed guards because every crazy person across the globe knows exactly what they look like, where they go to school, and what house they live in. Al Qaeda doesn’t even know what color hair my kids have.
I propose that we let the NRA have all the guns they want. Sell them out of vending machines to every convicted felon, grade school student, and mall cop in the country. But, from this point forward each bullet will cost $8,372. Plus, when you purchase a bullet, your finger print will be lasered into the casing and a small drop of your DNA will be housed in a tiny chamber off the back, like a little bullet fanny-pack.
Then, I suggests we hire the kingpins of the Crips, Bloods, Latin Kings, Russian Mafia, and a few crazy Ukrainians. We pay these men ridiculous sums for every black market bullet they remove from circulation. Plus, we give your crazy Uncle Willy a job guarding the gang leaders.
It is a practically fool-proof plan to reduce gun violence. Congress should approve this immediately!