for $75 I’ll kill her myself

Meg with King Oberon.   (King Oberon, March 1994 - January 2005)

Meg with King Oberon.
(King Oberon, March 1994 – January 2005)

Since Sunday was Mother’s Day, I thought I would share a funny story about my own mom.

When I was in my mid-twenties, I had two dogs, King Oberon and Asticou.  (I actually had three dogs, but Bronte turned out to be crazy and attacked my neighbor).  By my mid-thirties, I had only one dog left, Asticou.

At this point, I was between husbands.  My first husband had died ,and I had not yet met my second husband.  Asticou was aging and had a host of health issues.  I worried that one day my kids and I would wake up and find Asticou dead.  I wasn’t sure that any of us were emotionally prepared for that possibility.  My parents suggested that they take care of my dog and put her to sleep when the time came.  I took them up on their offer.

So, Asticou went to live with my folks, and although I was not present for the next part of this story, this is the way my father always told it:

Asticou seemed to be getting worse, so your mom and I decided it was time to put her down.  Mom insisted on doing it and packed the dog off to the Humane Society.  About an hour later she returned.  I stood at the window and watched her exit the car, then saw Asticou jump out after her.  I thought it was sweet.  Your mom was a tough girl, but obviously, she couldn’t put the dog to sleep.  I met her on the porch.

With sympathy I said, “So, you couldn’t do it?”

“No,” your mother snapped.  “They wanted seventy-five dollars.  For seventy-five dollars, I’ll kill her myself!”

(OK, just to clarify, my mother was not a cold-hearted puppy murderer.  To my knowledge, my mother never killed anything except houseflies, wasps, carpenter ants, and the occasional rodent.)

Thinking that Asticou was on her death-bed, my mom began feeding her waffles for breakfast and hotdogs for lunch.  Every night she gave my dog a bowl of ice cream before bed.  Asticou quickly gained twenty pounds.  She looked like an ottoman, skinny legs with a broad flat back.  Filled with a new-found zest for life, and a belly full of spaghetti, my ailing dog survived for two more years.  My mother’s waffles actually gave her the will to live.

Asticou, before she got fat on hot dogs and pasta

Asticou, before she got fat on hot dogs and pasta


Bronte, who looks totally sweet, but tried to eat my neighbor


PS  Asticou was named after the Inn where I used to work.  King Oberon was named after the Shakespeare character from Midsummer Night’s Dream.  Bronte was named after Charlotte and Emily Bronte–authors of Jane Eyre and Wuthering Heights, respectively.


2 thoughts on “for $75 I’ll kill her myself

  1. TattooGee says:

    This is probably one of the most awesome stories I’ve ever read.

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